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hooray the onion

jimmytrash  said about 8 years ago  or at  8:31AM on Friday, November 24 2006 in books

Forgive me, im drunk.....but i found this gold.

People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One

By Rep. Dennis Moore (D-KS)
I got into the legislation business only in order to tirelessly serve the good people of Kansas's 3rd District. But what do I get in return? Nothing but grief, cynicism, and snarky suspicion. People trash politicians every chance they get, all year long, until that one day they actually need one of us.

Then they sing a different tune.

Let me tell you: It's not all being wined and dined by lobbyists and joking around with my pals on the floor, you know. It's long hours and hard work. But whenever I go home and do a little fund-raising, all I hear is: "Shouldn't you be back in Washington earning your six-figure salary?" And you know whose in-box is filled with fawning e-mails the next morning when someone needs to get a last-minute clause attached to an appropriations bill before it gets out of the House Committee On Ways And Means? Mine. The "sleazy" politician's. That's right, me.

So go ahead. Beat up on the greasy-palmed politician. Crack your little one-liners with the town barber about how "Congress is the opposite of progress." But the next time you need a sign-off on some ordinance banning certain types of commercial uses of government-leased land, who are you going to come to asking for a feasibility study to get drafted within the next 18 months?

Bet I won't be such a stuffed-shirt pig-in-a-trough then, will I?

I thought I had it bad when I was a lawyer. I heard all kinds of jokes about hanging lawyers and drowning lawyers. But when people tell lawyer jokes, they're only jokes. When people talk about politicians, there's no punch line. It's just plain mean.

You think it's so easy, why don't you try building bipartisan support for minor legislation when you have to run for office every two years? Go find your own photo op shaking hands with the auto mechanic down the road?

But it's always the same old thing: "Look at the big Washington Fat Cat! Let's make fun of him! He's crooked and greedy and dumb! But wait—oh no, boo hoo, our precious swimming hole is getting rezoned as a federally funded toxic-waste dump site." Well, would you look at that! Full reverse pivot, out of nowhere. No more Mr. Donkey-in-a-suit anymore, no sir. Wait, what's this? Soft-money contributions? Aw, gee, thanks. How considerate of you, now that you have something to gain from me.

"Politicians talk and talk and talk because they just looooooooove the sound of their own voices." Oops—some asshole wants to build a chemical plant in a non-industrial area located in an old rail corridor? Ho, ho! Now I'm your new best friend, a man of honor, and a kindhearted do-gooder all wrapped into one neat little convenient package posing in a picture with you so you can put it on the mantelpiece at the Rotary Club and show everybody you're important enough to rub elbows with a real, live U.S. congressman.

Well guess what, Mr. and Mrs. Voter? I'm tired of it.

Next time you need to know when your stretch of interstate is going to be renamed, or whether your grandfather's house will ever be listed on the National Register Of Historic Places, take a second to stop and think about me. About how I feel when I pick up the phone any time, day or night, to hear about how you're concerned that the video games your kids are playing are making them act out in school and you want a new law requiring children under age 14 to bring signed permission from their parents when purchasing certain titles. Why don't you try asking me how my kids are? They're fine, thank you, and they can tell the difference between fake violence and stabbing a classmate with a math compass. Call me during business hours.

If you still think that I'm only in this to line my pockets, don't bother asking me for those fixed direct payments from the Freedom To Farm Act of 1996. And you can forget about getting me to speak at your PTA meeting about staying in school. I've got a lot of important resolutions to work on.

I swear, sometimes the electorate at large just makes me sick.

tilljames  said about 8 years ago:


jimmytrash  said about 8 years ago:


blah!  said about 8 years ago:

that's excellent
I just stumbled across this one...

Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression

ah, the onion
what do we do without you

socks  said about 8 years ago:

socks  said about 8 years ago:

Pelt and/or Holler  said about 7 years ago:


Pelt and/or Holler  said about 7 years ago:

Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

April 22, 1998 | Issue 33•15

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have been pretty out there.

Enlarge Image Area Oddball

Jerome O'Shea.

Who can forget Edna McBain of Covington, KY, the wacky widow with the full-scale cement replica of the Apollo 11 moon landing in her barn?

Then there's Jack Montague of Selma, AL, the World War II veteran who refuses to believe the war ever ended and continues to live in a basement bomb shelter, surviving on canned goods and communicating only by short-wave radio.

Certainly, there have been some odd birds to grace The Onion's pages in the past. But get ready for the nuttiest one yet: Edina resident Jerome O'Shea is so religious, he says he's given up courting... for Christ!

And not just for a day or a week, either, but for the rest of his natural life!

You may be wondering what could make a man behave so bizarrely. According to O'Shea, he likes girls, likes them just fine. In fact, he's in an almost constant state of temptation for pert young female bodies, just like millions of other men.

But O'Shea, convinced that the Lord wants him to remain ''pure,'' says that he ''received a calling'' when he was a young man, which led him to attend the ''Seminary'' and become officially ''ordained.''

And what does all this mean? It means O'Shea, 46, has taken a ''holy vow of celibacy,'' sentencing himself to a life of abstinence in order to stay closer to God's path. Apparently, ''The path of righteousness'' and ''The path of sexual frustration'' mean pretty much the same thing in the wacky world of this fellow.

So what does he do in his spare time that's so much better than a Saturday night on the town with a pretty gal on his arm? According to O'Shea, his ''priestly duties'' include ''reading the liturgy, lighting ceremonial candles, and ministering to parishioners.'' Whoa, slow down there, pal! You're out of control!

Perhaps the oddest behavior of this kooky cleric is something he calls the ''confessional,'' during which he sits in a darkened booth and listens to others talk about their sex lives. Weird-o-rama!

Strangely enough, O'Shea's role as a ''priest'' carries with it the ceremonial title of ''Father.'' Not likely! After all, it's a bit difficult to father a child without hooking up with a ''mother,'' Father. Maybe somebody ought to sit this fellow down for a little lecture about the birds and the bees.

Even more bizarre is O'Shea's weekly simulated cannibalism ritual, in which the body and blood of Christ are devoured by worshippers–but let's just leave that one alone.

O'Shea has been put in the role of moral arbiter of his ''congregation,'' a group of independent citizens who willingly pay him a living salary. Ironically, O'Shea plays an active role it the sex lives of his followers, giving them advice on how sex is best practiced.

And what exactly is his advice? Ready for this one? No birth control allowed, you can't masturbate, and you can only have sex with one person your entire life. If this makes sense to any of you, readers, please explain.

Well, one thing's for sure: We can profile strange members of our community for another thousand years, and we'll never top this one!

andyr  said about 7 years ago:

Report: Economically Disadvantaged Men More Skilled At Communicating Attraction To Women

BOSTON—According to a Boston University study released Monday, men from lower-income backgrounds are significantly more skilled at communicating their attraction to women than their middle- and upper-class counterparts.

''Many people would assume that the relative dearth of educational opportunities available to men in lower economic strata would result in inferior communication skills,'' said Boston University social anthropologist Dr. Mary Schoen, co-author of the study. ''To the contrary, our research finds that they are up to four times more adept at conveying their interest in women than men with higher incomes.''

Lower-income men, Schoen said, have a variety of phrases at their disposal to clearly and concisely communicate their attraction to members of the opposite sex. Among them are, ''Slow down so I can get a look at you,'' ''Mmmm, you are lookin' fiiiine today,'' and ''I wouldn't mind a piece-a dat.''


charlesincharge  said about 7 years ago:

there is a funny Onion news channel on Joost (a broadband internet tv thing).

classic story was a guy who found inspiration from a friend dying of cancer, and recommends anyone feeling shit to find someone with cancer.

jimmytrash  said about 7 years ago:

jimmytrash  said about 7 years ago:

jimmytrash  said about 7 years ago:

fuck ya then.

jimmytrash  said about 7 years ago:

jimmytrash  said about 7 years ago:

anonymous  said about 7 years ago:

haha, brilliant.

tinyman  said about 7 years ago:

prophetic onion article from jan 2001.

''Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.''

Pelt and/or Holler  said about 7 years ago:

Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf

Andrew Giuliani is suing Duke University after being recruited for, then removed from, the Duke University golf team. What do you think?

Dave King,
Newspaper Vendor
''This younger Giuliani seems to lack the 9/11 cred that made his dad so great. This guy needs a golf 9/11.''

astralwerkor  said about 7 years ago:

Love the Onion. So great.

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seahunt  said about 2 years ago:

Potentially not work safe, but biting satire.

ocelotl  said about 2 years ago:

Wow, that's some interfaith dialogue right there.

seahunt  said about 2 years ago:

seahunt  said about 2 years ago:

This is great -,31053/

LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not be all that surprised at this point if news leaked that the short-fused R&B performer had somehow travelled back in time and punched Holocaust victim Anne Frank in the face. “Given all that we know about what kind of person Chris Brown is, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye if I learned he had somehow contorted the fabric of space and time in order to appear in Holland circa 1944, burst into Anne Frank’s hiding place, knocked her diary out of her hands, and assaulted her for no reason,” receptionist Theresa Galloway told reporters, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who believe that such a far-fetched scenario would “actually make perfect sense” in the context of the hotheaded pop star's past behavior. “I don’t care if it is physically impossible, it would still not really faze me too much if I saw that headline on TMZ or wherever. Nor would it shock me if he disclosed the Frank family’s location to the SS before making it back to the present to perform at the Grammy Awards. Yeah, that sounds about right.” When pressed for further comment, sources nationwide noted that the only implausible development they could think of would be if sales of Chris Brown albums were to be adversely affected in any way by such an incident

seahunt  said about 2 years ago:

I love The onion talks

illywhacker  said about 2 years ago:

Yeah, those TED assholes were really asking for it.

ocelotl  said about 2 years ago:

This one slayed me a few days ago.

black wasp!  said about 2 years ago:

That is perfect.

seahunt  said about 2 years ago:

This one slayed me a few days ago

Ha, yeah. Great, biting, satire.

anonymous  said about 2 years ago:

the globe and mail in canada usually does a pretty tongue in cheek photos roundup each week.

NiteShok  said about 2 years ago:

This one is just fucking perfect 'Unambitious Loser With Happy, Fulfilling Life Still Lives In Hometown'

anonymous  said about 2 years ago:

Not sure if this should be here or in ''the age has gone to shit'' thread

ocelotl  said about 1 year ago:

JRB  said about 1 year ago:

Okay, this made me laugh for like 10 minutes straight.

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