I'm stuck in a rut, it's making me depressed, or maybe I'm in the rut because I'm depressed. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Anyways...
I feel like nothing ever goes right for me. If it's not one thing it's another - either I'm broke or I have a job that I hate or I'm traumatised or I'm all crazy 'n shit and cutting myself, or I'm just plain depressed or I'm suicidal. I've had major mental problems since I was about 16, they've morphed and evolved over time but they're still there.
I'm depressed again and I don't know what to do - I have been on aropax for about a year now and it's been working like a treat, up until now. Does medication just stop working all of a sudden like that? I don't want to give it up, what if I go back to being so anxious I can't even stay out for an after-work drink without being miserable? I'm also on xanax but that's only really for short-term, occasional relief from the impulsiveness etc. I get, it's not a daily solution for depression. And I don't want to go back on the anti-psychs cos they screw with my blood and make me positively crazy in time with my monthly cycle. I know all girls get PMS, but to my knowledge it's unhealthy to feel like dying every time you do, hence why I stopped the anti-psychs.
There's so much in my life I need to change - I'm fat, largely because of the meds but also because I eat way too much and it's always food that's bad for me. I'm lazy. I need to get outdoors more, but at the moment I'm so depressed I can hardly move. I hate my apartment, but it's about the cheapest thing I can find and I can't afford anything more expensive. I feel like I wouldn't last long in a sharehouse without driving other people nuts. I can't move in with parents because I don't want to live with my susbstance-abusing siblings (my sister also being violent and abusive in general. I don't want to leave my job even though the pay is shit, because I have such a good support network of friends here, even my boss is supportive, whereas at any other job I'd get sacked because I'm constantly sleeping in by hours, due to suffering insomnia since I went off the anti-psychs in December.
I know other people have it worse than me, I know everyone has their ups and downs but I'm craving more ups, maybe ones that stick around for a while and aren't caused by alcohol.
How do I inject new enthusiasm in my life? I need it right now, because I'm losing the will to live. Not that I have a desperate desire to die either, I'm just so, so despondent that it feels like it doesn't matter either way.